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NO. 12 

Hope Addresses Phi- 
Betes Initiation Services 

Bach's Past Disclosed 
In Leipzig Catacomb; 

Beer Vats Emptied 

Robert Hope, honorary mem- 
ber of the class of '46, spoke on 
"Why Bach Never Left Home" at 
the initiation of the seniors elect- 
ed to Phi Beta Kappa last week. 
Dean Ella Keats Whiting, presi- 
dent of the Eta of Massachusetts 
chapter of Phi Beta Kappa pre- 
sided at the ceremony at Oak- 
woods on January 22. 

While the initiates listened with 
Phi bated breath, Dr. Hope dis- 
closed several obscure facts 
about Bach's private life which 
he unearthed while traveling 
through north Germany. Deep in 
the catacombs of St. Thomas' in 
Leipzig Dr. Hope discovered the 
old wooden vats in which Bach 
brewed the original Bach beer. 
This discovery, Dr. Hope, states, 
throws light on a problem which 
has long disturbed the musical 
world. The reason that Bach's 
cantatas are never over 31 min- 
utes long may be attributed to 
the well established fact that the 
individual flavour and aroma of 
Bach beer is to be attained only 
by a gentle stirring with a ten 
carat gold Phi Beta Kappa key 
every 32.5 minutes. Bach, remark- 
ed Dr. Hope with a sigh, had a 

Dr. Hope concluded his lecture 
with a comparison. "Neither Bach 
nor T ever ventured far from a 
small aria. It would have been too 
painful for our friends." 

In a discussion period follow- 
ing the lecture, questions were 
asked about other practical uses 
of the Phi Beta Kappa key. Dr. 
Hope said that he had used his as 
a teething ring, but that, if 
swung so as to describe a circle, 
it might cause hypnotism of the 
opposite sex. The latter use, he 
warned, is dangerous. 

The speaker wrote his Ph.D. 
thesis on "I Never Left Home," 
receiving his degree from Para- 
mount in 1942. He is a graduate 
of the School of Air Waves, and 
took his Master's at the Sour 
Bun. Dr. Hope was one of the 
first candidates for the Ph.D. de- 
gree from Paramount to be per- 
mitted to write on so timely a 
subject as "I Never Left Home." 
Dr. Hope apologizes for spending 
so much time in institutions of 
higher learning, explaining that 
he could not go out into the world 
until his Phi Beta Kappa key 
stopped dragging. 

Radcliffe Plays 
Bach, Bach Wins 

Shattering all presidents in the 
extradition of the Wellesley Col- 
lege Concert Series, the Radcliffe 
string quartet resented a concert 
of chamber music yesterday 
forenoon at 2; 40 in Tower Court 
before an audience of about four 
hundred and men. 

Featured in the program were 
Debussy's "Afternoon of a 
Pawn", Haydn's "Sonata in A", 
and Tschaikowsky's "Pathetic 
Symphony." The second half of 
the musical included "Grand 
Canyon Sweet" by Ferdi Grofe, 
"The Empire Concertino", and 
Moussorgsky's "Pictures on Inhi- 
bition". Closing the recital was 
a magnificent rendition of "The 
Blight of the Fumble Bee". The 
choice of these selections shows 
'"'lent haste on the part, of 
the ladies who vied with each 
°ther for favor with the remark- 
ably worn and grateful audience. 

In 1950 

Wellesley will be 75 years old 

There will be gay celebrations 

There Is work to be done 

Be Prepared 

"As You Like It" Will 
Open Tonight in Alumnae 
Starring Horton vs Horton 

L. S. A. Society 
Will be Open 
To All Hopefuls 

"No More Tears in Your 

Beer," Says Founder, 

Miss S. T. Grizzley 

Over three bottles of Dr. Pep- 
per's, Miss S. T. Grizzley, house 
matron of Romeo Hall, an- 
nounced to the Committee on Ex- 
ternal Changes, the founding of a 
new society, the L. S. A. 

"I am sure," Miss Grizzley said, 
"that every loyal individual will 
want to avail herself of this new 
society which is to be completely 
open to everyone, the Lovesick 
Aid Society." We questioned the 
L.S.A. founder on her work. She 

"For years it has been my 
dream to bring to this institution 
some of outside world. No long- 
er will this be called the White 
Tower. (Hamburgers must 
leave) L.S.A. has eliminated any 
cause for discomfort and other 
prevaVr.i evils." At this point 
Miss Grizzley pulled from her 
satchel three balls of yarn, also 
a bottle of Dr. Pepper. 

"I have opened headquarters 
on the fifth floor of Green Hall. 
Our motto shall be, *Lovely ad- 
vice at a lovely price.' We are or- 
ganized to guide those who don't 
know the answers, and are affili- 
ated with the Society for Recap- 
turing Indiscreet Love-letters. At 
this point I would like to say 
that steep as our fees are they're 
cheaper than going to court." 
Then Miss Grizzley fell to knit- 
ting violently. She pressed a but- 
ton, soft music, (strains of mut- 
ed trombones) flowed from a 
cornucopa on the back wall. Har- 

( Continued on Page 4, c °l- 2) 

Horton and Horton 

Island in Middle of Lake Waban 
Site for 100-Story Frosh Dorm 

The erection of Wellesley's new 
Freshman dormitories officially 
began this morning at five-thirty 
when the entire college assembled 
to watch Mrs. Horton, out of uni- 
form at last and garbed once 
more in her favorite blue jeans 
and grimy saddles, hammer in 
the first nail. 

Plans for the dorm have till 
now been shrouded in secrecy, 
but your reporter has persuaded 
the architect — Mr. A. Gothic-arch 
of Gothic-arch, Gothic-arch, 
Gothic-arch and Sliderule — to 
give News the biggest exclusive 

Framingham Cans MUD; 
Senior Novel 'Suggestive' 

Literary Fruit of Senior 

Geologist is Published 

In Unripe Condition 

"It's really quite simple," de- 
clared Kathleen Smith '46 when 
questioned about her prize-win- 
ning novel Mud, the first un- 
finished senior novel ever to be 
published by a nationally-known 
publishing house. Mud is also the 
first novel to be published during 
the first semester by an under- 
graduate geology major, auditing 
the novel course. 

The revolutionary precedent 
which she has set, Kathleen as- 
serts, has innumerable advan- 
tages over the old method of 
finishing a novel before publica- 
tion. While the conventional novel 
can be condensed only to pocket 
or "bantam" size, she points out, 
novels of the caliber of Mud lend 
themselves readily to Big-Little 
Book form. When asked directly 
whether she had taken this fac- 
tor into consideration in choosing 
a three-letter title for her work, 
Kathleen hedged. Said she: 
"Mud's title came to me during 
my 8:40 class in Fundamentals of 
the Complex Variable. Whether 

or not I was also thinking of Big- 
Little books at the time seems 
highly irrelevant." 

Banana Symbolic 

The story of Mud is a simple 
one, with universal appeal to hu- 
manity of all ages. Throughout 
its 18 warming pages, its heroine, 
Breathless Mahoney, young, 
lovely, and paradoxically in love, 
eats a banana. Kathleen's grasp 
of Breathless' emotions as she 
strips the fruit of its skin, inch 
by inch, spot by spot, shows ex- 
ceptional depth and maturity. 
Her command of the language is 
evidenced in such passages as 
"Breathless bit off a piece of the 
banana, slowly and with an in- 
definable dread, and mushed it 
thoughtfully against her molars." 
Kathleen is especially to be com- 
mended for her astuteness in 
choosing the subtle symbolism of 
the banana and eschewing the 
tempting but all too obvious 

The seemingly suspended qual- 
ity of the last published page of 
Mud, in which Breathless is pic- 
tured, "her unremembering foot 
poised over the skin of the" is 
in reality not nearly so unpredic- 

f Continued on Page 8, Col. 8) 

story of the year. Mr. Gothic-arch, 
a very modest man, grinned in a 
modest manner and began by 
stating modestly that in his 
opinion he has designed the most 
sensational building of the cen- 
tury, but that of course he doesn't 
want any publicity for himself. 

According to this eminent 
architect, these supermodern, 
guaranteed to-cost-twice-as-much- 
as-the-Empire-State-Building edi- 
fices are to be erected on the is- 
land in the middle of Lake Wa- 
ban. (The island is also to be 
erected. ) They are to be symbolic 
of the "new era" in building — 
completely constructed of plastics 
and potato chips. Each dorm will 
be 100 stories high, with one room 
on each floor, providing four way 

To date the only opposition to 
this modern, postwar, recon- 
structed Wellesley and to the 
razing of all the ancient Fresh- 
man houses, comes from Miss 
Hepsebah Lovelace, class of '91. 
Miss Lovelace, according to latest 
reports, was still picketing the 
president's house. "Dear old 
Eliot," sobbed Miss Lovelace, "It 
sheltered me through a happy 
Freshman year. And I shall re- 
main loyal to it as long as there 
is a breath left in this old body," 
she mumbled, taking her last 
breath and collapsing at our feet 
after 102 hours of solid picketing, 
broken only by one vitamin B pill 
and a dish of Indian pudding 
provided gratefully by the Eliot 
cook. One of the new dorms is to 
be named Hepsebah Hall in honor 
of this valiant alumna. 

(Serious box inserted on re- 
quest of War Activities) 

National Clothing Drive 
for Overseas Relief 

January 23, 24, 25 

Warm Clothes, Bedding 

Desperately Needed 

"You May Like it," Says 

Author Shakespeare When 

Reviewing Rehearsals 

Slight confusion during re- 
hearsals has not delayed Barn- 
swallow's production of William 
Shakespeare's "As You Like It" 
to be presented tomorrow even- 
ing and Saturday evening in 
Alumnae Hall. As students are 
somewhat incommoded by ex- 
ams, Barn has been forced to 
resort, after avid volunteering on 
their part, to the questionable 
talents of Dr. and Mrs. Horton 
in the leading roles. They are as 

Orlando Douglas Horton 


Mildred McAfee Horton 

Oliver D. Horton 

Celia Mildred Horton 

Duke Senior Douglas 

Phoebe Mildred 

Duke Frederick Doug 

Audrey Mmmm. 

The confusion during the re- 
hearsals has been due to the 
fact that Douglas, after the first 
week, was called to Lorenco 
Marques to attend a conference 
on "What the Portugese Imper- 
ialists in East Africa Should Do 
About the Atomic Bomb." 

"While, he was gone," states 
the director, Captain Horton, 
"Mildred had to take over all of 
his parts and when he returned 
to Wellesley to find that sne had 
been called to Washington to at- 
tend a baptism. of the Waves, he 
had to take on hers for a while." 
Since Rosalind assumes the dis- 
guise of a man, though really a 
woman, things were quite mud- 
dled when Douglas, playing the 
part of Rosalind while Mildred 
was away, was not sure whether 
he should disguise as a woman 
disguising as a man or take a 

(Continued on Page 4, Col. 1) 

Doctor Torbert 
Talks On and 
On and On . . . 

Dr. Norbert Z. Torbert, Pro- 
fessor at Chase on Sanborn 
University, spoke last Saturday 
afternoon at 4:52 p.m., in the 
sub-basement of Pendleton. The 
subject of Dr. Torbert's lecture 
was "How Come You Do Me Like 
You Do, Do, Do — Or, A Study 
in Stuttering." The gala occa- 
sion was attended by a record 
crowd (including representatives 
of Victor Red Seal, Decca and 

Dr. Torbert, holder of 98.6 de- 
grees, has spent a large part of 
his career traveling through the 
mysterious jungles of Africa, 
searching for a rare object, 
known as a "gat." Dr. Torbert 
cited, in his lecture, that his in- 
terest in this phenomenon was 
aroused when he overheard a 
conversation which hinted that 
"a gat could wipe out those 
jerks." Naturally, said the pro- 
fessor, jerky speech is quite un- 
fortunate, and this search for 
the "gat" must go on. 

At 11:15 p.m., the lecture was 
temporarily adjourned, so that 
those who wished to get into 
Boston in time to catch the 11:50 

Note: If anyone finds a smaB 

(Continued on Page 4, Col. 57 



Associated Cblle6iate Press 

Distributor of 

Cblle6iafe Digest 


National Advertising Service, Inc. 

College Publishers Representative 

420 maoison Ave. New York. N.Y. 



Published weekly. September to June, except during 
examinations and school vacation periods, by a board of 
students of Wellesley College Subscriptions two dollars 
per annum In advance. Single copies six cents each. 
Ail contributions should be In the News ofllce by 12 noon 
Monday at the latest, and should be addressed to Mary 
Alice Cullen. All advertising matter should be in the 
business ofllce by 11 :00 A. M. Saturday. All Alumnae 
news should be sent to the Alumnae Office. Wellesley. 

Entered as second-class matter. October 10. 1919. at 
the Post Ofllce at Wellesley Branch. Boston. Mass. under 
the act of March S. 1879 Acceptance for mailing at 
special rates of postage provided for In section 1103, Act 
of October 1. 1917. authorized October 20. 1919. 

Editor-in-Chief Yahweh 

Mh ii mi; ink- Editor 

News Editor Married 

Mnkr-l p Editor .... — Max Factor 
Feature Editor . Miss Rheingold 1947 
Literary Editor Beowulf 

< nt Editor Ouch! 

I ilr Editors ...... Frankle and Johnnie 

Beporteri .. Tommy ManvIIle and Harem 
Assistant Boporters Snow White and the 

Seven Dwarfs 

Art Critic Mr. Petty 

Music < rltlC ........ Spike Jones 

Literary Critic tlertrude Stein 

MOYle Critic Errol Flyiui 

Drama Critic Harvey 

< artoonlsl .... Jj. Oa Vinci 
Photographer Johann Sebastian Bach-rach 

Business Manager Jay Gould 

Advertising Manager Rubican 

Assistant Advertising Manager Young Rubican 

Circulation Manager _ Harvey 

Credit Manager Uriah Keep 

Assistant ( irmiutinn Manager Harvey, Jr. 

Business Editors Eeyores 

Assistant Business Editors Frankle and Johnny 


To the people you meet this ring . . . dis- 
tinguishes you . . . as a member of a SMALL, 

One cannot, of course, fully understand the 
challenge which this profound observation hold- 
for the Wellesley student until one has analyzed 
the statement in some detail. To be properly 
ippreciated it should, of course, be read aloud 
(slowly, and, if possible, .reverently). The me- 
dium of the press rendering this impossible, 
however, we proceed with our verbal analysis. 
Naturally we arc so overwhelmed with our own 
importance thai this is difficult. But — planting 
our feet firmly on the ground, ami wrenching 
our heads down hut of the clouds, we pull our- 
es together sufficiently to note that — WE 

This means, of course, that we are conspicu- 
ous. (Webster.) Of course Wellesley girls are 
conspicuous. Anyone who has had to wear the 
regulation gyin outfit that all Wellesley girls 
have to wear at, one time or another is bound 
to be conspicuous. So it naturally follow- that 
we are outstanding. 

But are we a per cent? And. if so, are we 
ONLY A SMALL (little) PERCENT? Frank- 
ly, we are crushed. The word hardly seems 
commensurate with the reverent tone of the 
But we do not complain. Rather we 
SPONSIBLE (and of course outstanding) 
WELLESLEY CITIZEN (as our editorials in- 
evitably do) to give this matter CAREFUL 

In the last analysis, however, we console our- 

r es in the knowledge that Wellesley women 


this really be said at all? Of course we are 

women of the world. Wellesley women have 

ys been women of the world. 


There is one particularly precious aspect of 

our golden college yeara whirl, we Bhall cherish 

in our memories throughout our lives. It will 

be impossible to ever forgi I I n weet quin- 

For what i- comparable 

to the enohanting expression of gr< 

morning sun and rising from one's bed with 

an exuberance impatient for another new day 

ollege? There is the mystical charm in 

before complete consciousness 

i lying in bed we are suddenly plea ingly 

aware of faint, melodious bell ringing through 

the hall summoning us to seize the bright new 
morning. Then, refreshed by our long night of 
slumber, we fling back the covers to welcome 
Apollo and humming a joyful tune glide hap- 
pily down the hall on our pre-breakfast er- 
rands. The companionship we feel for our fel- 
lows in this magic hour knows no equal. The 
sweet good mornings addressed to us in the 
bathroom are better than the trilling of birds 
filling our hearts with gladness. Our room- 
mate- smile cheerfully and make pleasant con- 
versation as we dress leisurely for breakfast. 
Ah. the deep wonder of the morning, the un- 
hurried stroll to the dining room, the inter- 
esting tete a tetes while .-landing happily in 
line for three minute eggs! The animated table 
conversations, the eager discussions of the proj- 
ects of the day ahead, each of us filled with 
zest for what is promised. We sit at break- 
fast, tinglingly alive, feeling a delightful warm 
glow spread through our veins as we thought- 
fully sip our coffee. Ah, joie de vivre! This 
i- truly the most exciting time of day. We feel 
as we look about at our friends, fresh and 
beautifully groomed, the sense of sweet antici- 
pation which fill us all in the magic of the 
morning. Then, presently a gentle voice tells 
us that we are called on the house phone. At 
last, we sigh with relief, the business of the 
day i- beginning. We reflect gleefully upon 
the many pleasant tasks that lie ahead waiting 
for our enthralled attention. When we return 
from the phone the dining room is empty but 
our coffee has been left by a thoughtful wait- 

What a beautiful morning. We drink our 
coffee contentedly. What a beautiful day to 
(•(Hue. And then it suddenly occurs to us that 
there will probably be very little in life more 
glorious than these college days when glad and 
confident we arise to face the morning face to 
How sorely we shall miss them! Our 
cnly consolation is thai we .-hall never, never 


There's no sense going to the library. You 
waste on,.- getting there and you waste time 
when you get there wondering it Mm got any 
mail, and wandering around between the Brooks 
Room and the basement to fill your pen. I 
wonder if I have an exam tomorrow. 

"Tin- is stagi number two of the st..rk Club" 
. . . Well I'll leave it, on just 'til I clear off 
my desk. I'm going to get right down to the 
bare boards. . . . Whew, it's dusty! Where 
would Jean have put the duster? . . . I'll use 
these sock-. ... I suppose I should rinse them 
out, ii won't take a minute. ... As soon as 
this song is over . . . 

The arm chair looks sort of comfortable. If 
I put my pillow in it the springs won't stick 
into me. I'll get jus! a- much done sitting 
there. I can write on my typing board . . . 
notebook, ashtray, scratch paper, pencil . . . 
I'll have to sharpen it. I can't work with a 
dull pencil. 

Lei me see, I better finish up the last few 

1 nts. . . . ''Come in . . . good morning, 

Sadie. Yes, you may take the scrap baskets. 
... Of course you're not disturbing me, Sadie. 
No, I love foul weather . . . Did the radio say so? 
Well, thai proves it's a lie. . . . Thank you, 
Sadie. Where wasn't I? This room is as cold 
as Billings. 

9:30 ... it can't be thai late! The mail 
must have come. . . . I'll work a little longer 
and then I'll go down. . . . What's the sense 
of torturing myself? . . . 

Why didn't I hear today? I wrote Wed- 
nesday and he Bhould have gotten it by Thurs- 
day or by Friday morning anyway and if he'd 
written Saturday or even if he'd written Sun- 
I Bhould have gotten it by today. Maybe 
the post men are having a strike in the south 
. . . maybe I said something in my letter that 
■ I'm hungry. There's nothing to cat but 
raw cabbage. . . . Somebody must have some 
champagne. . . . Maybe Jane has some . . . 

Jane is a good kid, but I still think horse- 
radish is hotter than red pepper, . . . hid we 
talk lor two hour-. Oh. this is awful! This 
is really serious. I might as well go down to 
lunch. Maybe I better go to the library this 


"But I just can't seem to get straightened out in exam period!" 

Beyond the Campus 

Winnie Watkin '$ 


One of the most absorbing and 
strategic subjects in modern 
American government is the 
growing trend towards the Four- 
Party System. 

It is held by one well- 
known school of thought *that 
this emergence of the Four- 
Party System has arisen from a 
reaction by our men to the com- 
mon European Many-Party Sys- 
tem which evidently caused them 
and Europe severe indigestion. 

Other theories on the origin of 
the movement include the sugges- 
tion that a small group of 
economists really took Buck Rog- 
ers seriously when he reported 
that Mars had been enjoying 
Good Government for the last 
7%*% $" (translated from the 
Martian, it means 17,000 years.) 
—all because of the Four-Party 
system. Despite the noble 

or infamous beginning of the 
movement, the fact remains that 
it is with us and we must face it. 
The lines between the four 
parties have already been drawn 
more clearly than those between 
those of its predecessors. The 
members stand loyally and cour- 
ageously in the face of the Sena- 
tors Rankin and Taft who are 
presently filibustering in a vain 
effort to keep Congress in con- 
tinual session so that no new 
elections may be held which 
might bring into power the new 
System. The four parties are 
labelled, as you know, the Birds, 
the Bees, the Flowers and the 
Trees. (Their approximate stand 
on matters political reads from 
left to right.) The issues brought 
out by this division will, we be- 
lieve, serve to clarify many 
puzzling aspects of modern life. 

A salient clarifying aspect of 
the new Trend is the remarkable 
capacity of the four parties to 
agree upon the Objectives of 
Good Government. In fact, all 
four met in secret caucus recent- 
ly, and an authoritative source 

hints that they have agreed on a 
new national anthem to be in- 
augurated as soon as one of the 
parties wins control of the presi- 

Enthusiastic backing has been 
given to the System by the Re- 
turning Serviceman who has 
been ably supported by college 
women. The College girls are 
organized under The Forum 
Committee for the Birds, the 
Bees, the Flowers and the 

It is 
rumored that the girls were 
urged to support the peaceful 
Four Party movement by a 
medical officer of the college 
who feared that the Infirmary 

would not be able to have 

enough throat spray on hand by 
the next time the election came 
around to Heat all the expected 
broken ankles. 

On the whole, the movement 
has made striking gains. Only 
one disparaging comment has 
been found in recent literature, 
and since it is from a book that 
does not pretend to deal with 
politics, it has been largely put 
aside by the experts. Since it of- 
fers interesting and constructive 
criticism on the matter, we may 
as well quote it anyway: 
"Strange to say. the habits of 
birds and flowers have done as 
little to clarify the human scene 
as any other two manifestations 
in nature." 

•Tin- Overhoughfinerball School 
which lias been expressi a re* ently In 
•'" article in the June issue of th 
Inferno of Political Yoiirtelllinrinr. 
pp, 35,680-70,999. 

••The name of the oollegi is sup- 
i 1 " i I bi i iui e of ii lause In the 
charter which states that under no 
circumstances may a Wellesley girl 
gel her riami or the- name of the 
school in Hi, newspaper. Since the 
indictment brought against the Bos- 
ton Trnroler by the Publicity i 
we newsp iper people have been happj 
to eo-operate.) 

•♦•Thurber, James, Is Sex Necos- 
saryl p. 123. 


To the Editor: 

I feel that News presents an 
accurate and stimulating picture 
of the intellectual occupation of 
Wellesley girls. I have observed, 
however, a certain inertia in a 
few isolated cases. Even in an 
institution such as this, every 
individual is important. It is 
clear to me that every effort 
should be made to help these 

Nrws could be particularly ef- 
fective in ameliorating this situ- 
ation by campaigning for the 
benefit of these few. I have 
heard that one of the better 
known places of learning, name- 
ly, Smith College, includes in its 
u n d e rgraduate enrollment a 
young man. While I was at first 
dismayed and shocked that such 
a thing as this could come to 
pass at a college with, after all, 
such a fine reputation, I realized 
thai this revolutionary occur- 
rence could very probably open 
the vista to an entirely new and 
more effective educative process. 

It is generally accepted that 
men have achieved a certain 
standing in the world around us. 
They have succeeded in pro- 
ducing fine careers from their 
work at college, and have given 
these colleges distinction in the 
field of education. 

To me it is therefore obvious 
that the presence of a Man work- 
ing, studying and having classes 
with women is wholly stimu- 
lating. This competitive environ- 
ment would urge the few who 
need an extra something to 
awaken their intellectual crav- 
ings to prove that their minds 
are as quick and as profound as 
that of the young Man. 

This situation would provide 
the necessary goal without un- 
dermining the valuable assets of 
the life of a women's college. I 
hope fervently that you will ad- 
here to my argument and aid 
me in any way you can. 
An Enlightened Sophomore 


Abraham (Sunkist) Jones 
Slanders Columbus' Bones 

Fignewton Scandal Revealed by Rameses Descendent ; Iconoclast Blasts U. S. Tradi- 
tional History With Deerhide Diary of Late Pedigreed Black Foot Indians 

Dr. Abraham S. Jones, of the 
University of Cairo, has recent- 
ly published his treatise on the 
discovery of America entitled, 
Hew England Revisited. Dr. 
Jones, whose ancestry stems 
back to Rameses II, conceiv- 
ed his passion for United States 
history during a visit to New 
England during the roaring 
twenties. Sitting in Goff's one 
evening over a glass of Sunkist 
orange juice, Dr. Jones hap- 
pened to overhear the remark, 
made by one of the natives of 
Framingham, that his grand- 
aunt had heard from an indis- 
putably reliable source that the 
continent of America was not 
discovered by Columbus. As Dr. 
Jones stated in a recent inter- 
view, this remark precipitated 
him to "near strangulation on a 
stray orange seed." However, 
his intellectual curiosity was 
aroused, and, putting down his 
citrus juice and pressing his ear 
closely to the neighboring booth, 
Dr. Jones proceeded to eaves- 
drop, a custom started in Egypt 
during the year 1000 B.C. 

Years later, in 1945, 
during his second trip to New 
England, Dr. Jones began to 
make investigations. 

Beginning in Framingham, Dr. 
Jones, with a small pick and 
shovel, began to dig around for 
evidence. At the very entrance 
to the Framingham bus terminal, 
the great Egyptian historian 
discovered a small metal box, 
buried under ten feet of solid 
American soil, which contained 
a series of love letters from a 
full-blooded Black Foot Indian 
princess to an English lord liv- 
ing at Lumsley Manor on the 
Thames. Thorough scanning of 
the letters, which were written 
in the year 650 A.D., revealed a 
host of evidence so amazing that 
Dr Jones, overcome by the emo- 
tion of the moment, remarked, 
"Odd, Bodkins!" Recovering a 
few hours later (Dr. Jones seems 
to have lapsed into a coma of 
some sort), he took out his 
pocket sized LC Smith and Co- 
rona typewriter and in a burst 
of inspiration, wrote New Eng- 
land Revisited in three hours 
and sixteen minutes. 

Though the book is grammat- 
ically under the weather, the 
facts revealed promise to throw 
a bombshell into American his- 
torical societies, who still cling 
to the antiquated notion that 
Columbus was the first man to 
discover America. On the con- 
trary—and Dr. Jones presents 50 
pages of evidence to back this 
up— the continent was discovered 
by Lord Needham and his three 
sons Waltham, Dedham, and F. 

(i.e., "Fig") Newton. Lord Need- 
ham and his sons had started 
out on the 15th of March, 650 
A.D. for a gay day of boating. 

Perry almost laughed 
himself into an angina when a 
Quad head of house at a house 
meeting: "Permission to have a 
young man in your room does 
not mean that you have a blank- 
et permission." . 



Thurs.-Frl.-Sat. Jan. 24-25-26 



"Dolly Sisters" 




Sun.-Mon.-Tues. Jan. 27-28-29 


"It All Came True" 



'Born For Trouble' 

Blown considerably off their 
course, they landed, two and a 
half years later, on the shores 
of what is now commonly known 
as America. They were befriend- 
ed by the Black Foot Tribe, but 
despite the untiring efforts of 
Oona, the ninety year old med- 
icine man, Lord Needham died 
a hideous death from over-ex- 
posure on the long crossing. His 
three sons, however, — stalwart 
lads all — fared considerably bet- 
ter. Waltham and Dedham, who 
had fallen head over heels in 
love with two toothsome Indian 
squaws, decided to remain in 
the new world. The Chief of 
the Black Foot tribe presented 
each of two Englishmen with a 
small village. Upon their deaths 
six months later from the steady 
diet of corn meal, the towns 
were named in their honor, and 
to this day, tears come into the 
eyes of the Black Foot tribe when 
the names of Needham and Ded- 
ham are mentioned. 
Dr. Jones, ever thinking of the 

moral sensibilities of his read- 
ers, does not divulge the entire 
history of the third son, F. New- 
ton. However, the clever reader, 
by climbing in-between the lines, 
can hack out the actual facts. 
F. Newton, it seems, was sent 
back to England in disgrace be- 
cause of his relations with the 
wife of the head of the Black 
Foot Tribe. 

head of the tribe made matters 
impossible by sending the hand- 
some Fignewton back to Lums- 
ley on the Thames. Neverthe- 
less, the Princess wrote to him 
for 55 years, spilling out her 
passion on deerhide stationery 
and promising undying devo- 

the death of her husband, the 
Princess used her insurance 
money to build Fignewton in 
memory of the English lord she 
had loved so well. 


'But how did you persuade them to publish it?' 

Senior Novel - 

(Continued from Page 1) 
table as it might appear. Asked if 
she planned to publish a sequel, 
Kathleen again hedged. Said she: 
"Has anybody got a match?" 

Kathleen "regrets with pride" 
that her novel has been banned in 
Framingham as "suggestive." "I 
am proud," she declared in an ex- 
clusive statement to News, "to be 
numbered among those writers 
who have been called to give their 
all in the fight for the freedom 
of every man to express himself 
according to the demands of his 
own soaring conscience. Breath- 

less and I, in our own small way, 
symbolize those martyrs in every 
clime who Will Not Be Suppress- 
ed. Through the efforts, extra- 
legal if necessaiy, of all right- 
thinking Wellesley students, Mud 
will be made available to every 
man, woman, and child who de- 
sires it, even in Framingham. The 
flaming truth it voices cannot be 
kept down." 

The Jot-Em-Down Co., of Pine 
Ridge, 111., publishers of Mud, 
report that since its appearance 
last October more than eight 
copies have been sold. 

_ r~ 

— EVE. 6:30 

MAT. 2:00 



George Raft 



with Joan Davis 


Paul Henreid 

Maureen O'Hara 


— In Technicolor — 


Frances Langford 


spelled backwards is 


Wellesley's favorite drugstore 


Cleveland Cirole 
LON. 4040-4041 

Starts Thursday Jan. 24 to 30 
7 Days 

Jennifer Jones - Joseph Cotten 
in Hal WaUia' Production 

"Love Letters" 


James Mason 

Lucie Mannheim 

"Hotel Reserve" 

Faculty Takes Outing, 
Plays Scarab, Ghosts; 
Forgets Wellesley Girls 

Muslin Mask Worn by Professors as Means of 
Protection Against Their Leering Students 

"There's nothing like a little 
freedom now and then," The 
speaker, wearing a white muslin 
mask, sounded faintly wistful. He 
touched his right ankle to his 
left knee, a very symbolic ges- 
ture. "That's why we set up the 
Shop Club." A pallid form appear- 
ed behind his elbow. "John," said 
a female voice. "God sees you." 
This reporter would say that 
the man was close to breakage. 
Tearing off his white mask he 
faced his adversary. "Edith, this 
has gone far enough. I can't look 
at the mocking faces of my stu- 
dents any longer. We must tell 
them the truth. This," he shouted, 
pointing a trembling finger at 
your News reporter, "is our 
mouthpiece — our hope of salva- 
tion from empty suspicion." At 
his words a line of dim figures 
sifted into the gloom of the un- 
disclosed room. "Education!" 
they chanted. Someone switched 
on a light — with a single gesture 
they removed their masks. 

Edith disclosed that she was a 
member of the Composition Com- 
partment. "Now you are going to 
be purged," she said, "of your 
pity and fear. The Shop Club will 
let down its hair." 

Mr. Schwarz of the History De- 
partment stepped forward. "The 
Faculty Shop meets when it feels 
a collective urge to get away 
from the student body." A vil- 
lainous leer crystallized on his 
lips. "This is one of those nights," 
he choked. 

"Sometimes, when we really 
want to get away from it all," 
proffered Miss Seikel, "we go on 
an outing. Would you like to hear 
about the time we got stuck on 
top of Mt. Cardigan with only 
one sleeping bag for 51 people, a 
frying pan with no handle, and a 
can of onion soup? Bessie robbed 
a grouse's nest for us, and we had 

"I hate to be late," said Bessie. 
"To put ourselves in a tender, 
introspective, rather personal 
mood." said Mr. Heyl, a man of 
Heart, "we often play at 'scarab, 
scarab, who's got the scarab?" In- 
cidentally, who has got it? I want 
it back." 

"Want, want, want," said Mr. 
Procter, peevishly. "All the time, 


Rooms and Meals 

want, want, want!" 

A gentleman from the Libel De- 
partment spake from the corner 
where he had been standing all 
night, hands clasped behind his 
back, eyes cast downward: "I 
think it's high time we got on to 
our game of Ghosts." 

"Let's not count seven-letter 
words!" cried Miss Onderdonk. 

Edith smoothed down her 
purple dirndl. "You don't mind, 
do you?" she said to yours truly. 
"At least you get the general 

"iVeitrs" Prints Questions 

Which Proves 1915 Easy 

The following Exam Questions 
faced Wellesley flappers, class of 
1915 during exam period. (Foot- 
note, Converse, Wellesley College 
1875-1938, Have-to-Pay Bookshop, 
1939, PP. 146.) 


"Translate the following into 
Kant, Hegel, Peny, Leibnitz, 
and Procter (not more than one 
page allowed). 

" 'Little drops of water, little 
grains of sand Make the mighty 
ocean, and the pleasant land'." 

English Literature: 

Write an imaginary conversa- 
tion between John Bunyan and 
Ella Keats Whiting on the Social 
significance of Beowulf." 

"Do you consider that Brown- 
ing and Carlyle were influenced 
by the Cubist School? Cite pas- 
sages not discussed in class to 
support your view." 

English Composition: 

"Write a novelette containing: 

<ai plot; (b) two crises; (c) 
three climaxes; d) one character. 

"Write a biography of your 
own life, bringing out distinctly 
reasons pro and con." 

Tel. Wei. 0180 





"HER HIGHNESS and the 

— Also— 


"Dangerous Partners" 

SUN.-MON.-TUES. Jan. 27-28-29 



— AlaO— 


BeB. Wed.— "Thunder Rock" with 
"Story of Vernon and Irene Castle" 


Lute Song with Mary Martin. Through Feb. 2 SHUBERT 

The Voice of the Turtle PLYMOUTH 

January Thaw, final week COLONIAL 

Crescendo, a new "murder-with-music" drama 

with Nance O'Neil, Ralph Morgan, Neil Hamilton. 

Through Feb. 2 WILBUR 

The Trapp Family. Sun. aft., Jan. 27 JORDAN HALL 

Boston Symphony Orchestra, Sun. aft., Jan. 27 



"Deep Are the Roots" with Edith Atwater. Theodore Newton, 
Robert Harrison. Opening Jan. 28 for two weeks. 

"Polonaise" with Jan Kiepura and Marta Eggerth. Music by 
Chopin. Opening Jan. 28 for two weeks. 

"Antigone and the Tyrant" with Katherine Cornell and Sir 

Cedric Hardwicke. Opening Feb. 4 for two weeks. 
'He Who Gets Slapped" with John Abbott, English character 
actor, and Stella Adler, Beatrice Pearson. FIFTH THEA- 
TRE GUILD PLAY. Opening Feb. 11. 

Rubinstein in Chopin program. Sun. aft., Feb. 3. 

Hcifetz, Sun. aft., Feb. 10. 

Patrice Munsel, Fri. eve., Feb. 15. 



34 Church Street Wellesley 

Open Daily 9:30 to 5:30, except for the 

lunch hour, 11:45 to 12:45 

Tickets ordered for all Boston theatres and events at Symphony Hall. 
25c service fee charged on each ticket 


Harvard Classics Stimulate Ideas Give Me Thurber or Give 
Of Youngest WellesleyUndergrad Me Death Cries Critic 

Applegate is Prime Example of Happy, Wholpome 

Child; "A" in Phil. Quiz Causes No Excitement 

tures I grew to love them, said 
Sammy. "But don't think that 
I was a one-sided child," she 

"Oh, it's not that I am so 
smart, it's just that all the other 
girls here are so dumb," said 
Wellesley's new undergraduate 
flame, Samanthia Applegate, as 
she excitedly decapitated one of 
her paper dolls. But this smil- 
ing nine-year-old, who sat on the 
edge of her bed swinging her 
black patent leather mari janes, 
is not just another slinky sophis- 
ticate; she is a wholesome blond- 
haired, blue-eyed child with the 
happy air of a frustrated neu- 

We had thought when Sammy, 
as her college chums call her, 
first appeared that she was just 
another observer from the Page 
School, but when she got A in 
her philosophy quiz our curios- 
ity was aroused. We finally 
found her in Sage, third door 
down from the vivarium, where 
she proudly told us how she had 
been discovered by a talent scout 
from the publicity office. "I was 
slightly uneasy about going to 
college after only two years of 
grade school," she confessed, 
"but they said, if Yale could do 
it, so could Wellesley." 

"It all began," sighed Sammy, 
as we asked her about her vast 
knowledge, "when Mother joined 
the Literary Guild, and by some 
horrible mlx-up we were sub- 
scribed to the Harvard Classics. 
It was simply terrible; they 
came one volume at a time, and 
every week Mother would open 
the package expecting The Man- 
atee, only to find each time it 
was only Doctor Eliot." 

Her bright eyes sparkled as 
she went to tell how the family 
had only four feet of available 
shelf space, so the extra volumes 
were put in her room. Even 
though they didn't have any pic- 

You Like It - 

(Continued from Page 1) 
irt cut and disguise as a man. 

"Each star having played all 
the roles, there seems to be a 
family argument as to which was 
originally scheduled to play 
which," says Dr. Horton, the 
stage manager. Evidently Doug- 
las insists he had the role of 
Rosalind because it is absurd to 
think that Shakespeare would go 
to the trouble of having a woman 
disguised as a man when a man 
could so easily play the part. 
Mildred merely replies. Both di- 
rector and stage manager agree 
with both. 

Staging effects are to be un- 
usual according to the producers. 
Steam and hot coals will accom- 
pany the line "lover sighing like 
furnace." (see Act n, Scene VII, 
line 148) It is reported also that 
an invisible skeleton will swing 
over the stage as Douglas and/or 
Mildred say, "Sans teeth, sans 
eyes, sans taste, sans every- 

Jinx Rogers, President of Barn, 
has made this statement concern- 
ing the production: 'This is a 
stepping stone in the History of 
the Theatre — Shakespeare played 
as Shakespeare never dreamt it 
could be. I wash my hands of all 
responsibility for it. Please park 
your chewing gum at the door 
for admission fee." 

continued, "I often worked in 
amateur theatricals. I loved 


Youngest Wellesley Student 

plaving in The Doll's House best 
of all. 

Sammy's life at Wellesley is 
not really too happy. She told 
us sadly that at first the girls 
had been very kind and invited 
her to join in their gay pranks; 
now since they have discovered 
the only blind dates she could 
furnish are cub scouts, she has 
been cruelly ostracized. "But I 
have found great happiness in 
the Hygiene department," Sam- 
my said, as she disclosed her 
intentions of accelerating and 
taking the five year physical 
education major in three and 
one half years. 

We had thought that Saman- 
thia would surely have been on 
Quiz Kids, but she rejects the 
idea scornfully. "I was ap- 
proached, but I consider that all 
simply too bourgeois." As we 
got up to leave (it was growing 
late, and Sammy's aim with the 
darts she had been throwing 
was becoming too good), we 
wondered what sort of outside 
interests a child prodigy would 
have. Sammy gave us a know- 
ing wink and smirked evilly, 
"I am not that young!" 

L. S. A. Society - 

(Continued from Page 1) 
ried Harry, the custodian, en- 
tered the salon. He gasped, his 
voice thick with emotion and too 
much Dr. Pepper. 

"Miss Grizzley, I'm drinking to 
forget a woman who is driving 
me to drink, but now I have for- 
gotten who she is. What shall I 
do?" Calmly. Miss Grizzley 
chewed the end from her extra- 
long, extra-mild, pencil, 

"A knotty problem," she re- 
marked, and was quick to reply, 
"if you will be so kind as to send 
me ten dollars by Resident Mail, 
I give you my word, I will think 
of SOMETHING!" Harried Har- 
ry left. Miss Grizzley handed us 
a letter from one of her former 
clients, class of '46 at Stone Hall. 
We quote: 

"I am deserately in love with 




Always Ready to Serve You 

(Opposite Filene's) 

If you want a moveable charm, 
Or a Wellesley College seal, 
There's only one place to go— 
And that's to Joseph O'Neil. 

28 Grove St. 
WEL. 2020 


Opposite Seller'* 
Wellesley Sq. 

We're ready to serve you, one 

and all. 
From Sept. to June, just give 

us a call. 
On dresses, mink coats, or an 

evening gown. 
Our work is considered the 

talk of the town. 
But there is one thing we 

ise to cl( 
It's that raggled, bedraggled 

Wellesley blue jean! 






Go to the 


Orchids to the writer of the 
newest novel to take America by 
storm! Orchids and camellias 
and roses that are roses that are 
roses. Gertrude Stein is the 
genius of the age, but why state 
a Stein when one can thrill to 
Thurber? Yes, Thurber is, and 
Thurber will be. No doubt and 
decisively. The title heads the 
book, and the book is under the 
title. All of which is as it should 
be. Who would want the title 
under the book? 

Everything begins in good 
form, then. We have a title. We 
have a book. They are in proper 
relation to each other, and the 
name of Thurber is a magic 
name, a name to be reckoned 
with. He writes words, and words 
make sentences. Sentences make 
paragraphs. Paragraphs make 
books. A novel is born, a triumph 
triumphs. And somewhere, in a 
lonely desert, as the sand wipes 
across the bleak landscape, an 
Arab is pouring over The Read- 
er's Digest. Watch out, little 
Arab — Mi*. Bainbridge will spank. 

But to return to the book, the 
Thurber book, with the greenish 
cover, The White Deer book. It is 
deeper than you think. Yes, and 
again yes. Social criticism all 
over. What happened to those 
History notes for November 
sixth? A criticism of society it is, 
most assuredly. And we can 
escape neither the criticism nor 
the society. Perhaps the former, 

a man ninety years old. The only 
thing that keeps me from marry- 
ing him is that he is a million- 
aire, and I refuse to marry for 
money. What shall I do?" After 
much coaxing, Miss Grizzley 
agreed to tell us her reply. It 

"Send us his name and ad- 

Planning a large mass meet- 
ing for next Thursday, at which 
time L.S.A. will be introduced to 
the college at large, Miss Grizzley 
told us some of the functions of 
this new organization, dealers in 
feathers for love nests, mothballs 
for hope chests, and liniment for 
too, too zealous hugs. She whis- 
pered one of the off-record slo- 
gans, "Tell us deepest secrets in 
strictest confidence. Don't be 
bashful. We don't blush easily." 
Giving us a hint of some of the 
more secret work of L.S.A. to 
be carried on only by charter 
members, the founder said, 

"All letters will be printed in 
azine. Get the thrill of seeing 
your name in print." 

Everyone is strongly urged to 
attend the mass meeting next 
week and to join L.S.A., first free 
society on campus. 


FACE to 

Elizabeth ROMER 


Second Floor WEL. 3474 

It is customary to 
wear, clothes 


them at 


never the latter. Society is always 
with us — James Thurber sees 
that; so do we all. Rousseau was 
right, we are trapped; Rousseau 
was wrong, we cannot escape. 
Right and wrong, good and evil, 
love and hate shine forth in all 
their irreconcilable torment from 
the soulful eyes of a Thurber dog. 
Might as well leave out the 
eighteenth century. There might 
not be a question on it. Ah, but 
"might not be" is not the view- 
point of Thurber. The message 
of his novel is "is," "am," "are." 
The state of being, circular in mo- 
tion, ever passing, ever present. 
With what consummate skill the 
novel gropes toward grandeur, 
grows to greatness, glides to 
glory. A moment of silence while 
we all think through thanks for 
Thurber. We are, always and 
ever, but should not be. In a 
clarion voice, Thurber speaks to 
our generation. Silver bugle 
notes in the distance. 

"Give me Thurber or give me 
death!" The small child cries 
from the darkness. Cry on, small 
child; for in time, both will come 
to you. That is the timeless 
message of the Man of the Hour. 
The old man, on his deathbed, 
watches the feeble flame of his 
stubby candle. Just as the candle, 
so is his life burning out. "It 
might at least give forth a wond- 
rous light," he mumbles, "since it 
cannot last the night." Then he 
groans in sudden agony, when 
the mounting pain swells within 
him. "For the love of unpremedi- 
tated art," he shrieks, "put my 
Thurber book in these wrinkled 
old hands!" 

A book to be reckoned with, a 
man to respect. Put him down in 
the annals of time, may his name 
be writ in gold. Then let the comic 
dance proceed. A comic dance in- 
deed, this endless repetition of 
moving men and women, the 
whole cyclic procession of pro- 
gression, retrogression, and delu- 
sive obsession. Thurber sees. He 
writes. His book is bound and 
published. Its pages breathe vi- 
tality and knowing laughter. 

Laugh with him, chuckle deep- 
ly, but remember — you laugh at 
yourself. "And the sprits of the 
wise sit in the clouds and mock 
us."* Harken to the voice of 
Turbei* — harken, and tremble, 
lest laughter turn to gall. 

* Can you put a footnote on 

Faculty Changes 

For Honorables 

Miss Virginia Onderdonk, 
Chairman of the Faculty Com- 
mittee on Curriculum announces 
the following changes in the 
honors program available to 
those seniors who have made an 
average of E or above. These 
changes were introduced in order 
to make the honors program 
more attractive to elegible stu- 
dents. At present, only an em- 
barrassed few take advantage 
of their opportunities. 

It is to be understood that the 
following comprises the long 
awaited Part II of the Commit- 
tee's report on curriculum 
changes. The delay in its pre- 
sentation to the Body arises 
from a dispute between the Blues 
and the Greys over the field. 
Everyone knows that the field 
is special. As for thte Blues and 
the Greys, when quizzed about 
this, Miss Onderdonk merely 
said, "It ain't fitten fer you to 

The program for the senior 
year for those students electing 
to take the honors programs 
will be constituted thus: Each 
girl will take the following pre- 
scribed course: Speech 101— 
six hours. (There will be no 
exam in this course. In order 
to pass, each student must dis- 
play a throat. That is all.) 
Geology 101, six hours. (This 
course meets in a seminar each 
week on Saturday night. Stu- 
dents will be given a stimulating 
survey of petrified plants, cal- 
cified crabs, and other famous 
fossils from the prolific past. 
The exams will consist of a 
treasure hunt in an Arizona 
desert. The student finding the 

Doc. Torbert - 

(Continued from Page 1) 
man sleeping in the coal bin of 
Pendleton, she will kindly notify 
the Inflammation Desk ("We 
Hate Bureaucracy"). Dr. Nor- 
bert Z. Torbert has been missing 
in the sub-basement since the 
night of the lecture. Was he 
got by a "gat"?? 

LZtit 'l©/V\ "|8± ,m %S IBJiueo 1,9 
■aniAjog .Cioaj|oq pun ||b;j aajj 
isasiuiajd oqj uo auop jjjoav |[y 

J9|JJnj - J9SUB9|0 - JOJIBJ, 



Announces the opening of 

his office at 

568 Washington St. 

Waban Building 

For the examination of 

the eyes and eye 

glass service 

Office Hours 9-5 

Evenings by appointment 

Telephone WEL. 0361 

Don't go barefoot! 
It's too cold! 


Will repair even your 


serving those same good 

College Restaurant and Tea Room 

79 Central Street WELIesley 0674 

We know that Wellesley students 
Have many a sigh over papers ; 

But a new Corona typewriter 
Will make writing them joyful capers. 

Wellesley Business. Service 
572 Washington Street Tel. WEL. 1045